Just in case you want to show me some lovin ever... here is how you should proceed.
1) write me a note telling me about your life on some super cute stationary.
2) tell me how great I am at cooking. (this only applies if you have actually tasted my cooking)
3) tell me that you can see my arm, leg, or neck muscles. compliment my forarms if you want me to kiss you smack on the face.
4) read my blog and think that i am funny.
5) study with me. even when you know it is going to be unproductive because I will probably talk and people watch the entire time.
6) tell me that I look really fast when you see me running. (I always have a fear that people are judging my slowness when they see me run.)
7) tell me that no it's not weird that my baby hair won't ever go away and it is actually endearing instead of awkward.
8) smile back at me when I smile at you.
9) forgive me when i make mistakes. show me grace.
10) laugh with me when i do, say, or think anything silly.
Just in case you want to show me some lovin ever... here is how you should proceed.
So I have been in the process (since forever) of trying to compile all the verses that have ministered to me during specific struggles in my life. You wouldn't believe me if you saw me now, or my senior year of high school, but I have always had a hard time sleeping. I would frequently wake up screaming after having a terrible nightmare. Like until this past summer.
This was a big thing in my life.
So, finally, this summer when I was doing the 90 day read through the bible plan, I came across some verses that spoke directly to my heart about the subject of sleep. Who knew that the bible even gives sleep advice? If I had known earlier, I probably would not have to put under eye concealer on every single day of my life. I am convinced that comes from years of being too afraid of my nightmares to go back to sleep.
I lie down and sleep; I wake again because the Lord sustains me.
I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.
Psalm 5: 11-12
But let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them ever sing for joy. Spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may rejoice in you. For surely, O Lord, you bless the righteous; you surround them with your favor as with a shield.
These verses worked on my heart, because they revealed that my issue not trusting in God for sleep. I didn't realize that my fears came from a lack of trust in God (but like 150% of the time that is the case). I didn't believe that God was in complete control of my sleep. If someone came in and sliced me, He was in control. If I had a terrible nightmare, He was in control. If I had the sweetest sleep and the sweetest dreams, He was in control!
I wrote each of these verses down on a notecard and would read them every night before I went to sleep. I would read them when I woke up in the morning and thank God that I could see the truth of His word each night and each morning. After a couple of weeks of this, I haven't had a single problem with sleep! Not that I am saying this has cured me forever, but it has been an obvious transformation in my sleeping life.
See previous post for the first half of my celebration of turning twenty. And Britt turning twenty-one.
The next couple were not documented, so just trust me they happened. True Story.
17) Dance every time the minutes say 20 (21). Undocumented, but let me just assure you white girls have moves.
18) Ask sales clerk at Wal-Mart 20 (21) different questions. Kristen was a champ. As much as possible, the questions and conversation flowed naturally. It didn't hurt that the male sales clerk was all too willing to keep the conversation going as long as possible.
19) Give 20 (21) kids high fives throughout the night. This one was a complete fail. It turns out most children are scared (and most parents are wary) of college students running up to them and very enthusiastically demanding a high five.
20) I just realized there were not twenty things on the list. Apparently, we cannot count. No big deal, we are just juniors in college.
I think I have finally embraced 20. I like being able to tell people that twenty years ago, I did (fill in the blank). As a baby, I actually probably didn't but I pretend.
Because I have wonderful, beautiful friends and a presh roomie who shared my birthday week. We celebrated big. I mean why not, our births are a big deal. Obviously you think so, or you wouldn't care about my blog. So in the spirit of big deals and celebrating, we had 20/21 night.
Twenty (one) things had to be done on this night:
7) Burp 20 (21) times. We are classy like that. Sadly, these moments went undocumented.
8) Give 20 (21) different compliments. Also undocumented, but I will give you examples: Hey, your teeth look beautiful. You are sooo bootylicious. I really like your arm veins. And so on.
The rest of this post will have to wait, because I can't put any more pictures on and I know thats the most important part.
WARNING: Not for those with weak stomachs.
At approximately 12:05 on Sunday night I woke up to begin what was going to be my most philosophical sickness yet. I made it to the bathroom in time, but I had to throw up in the trashcan because my rear end was occupying the toilet. Don't worry, I made it in the toilet every other time. After my second time throwing up I realized how good I have it. I can throw up in this big white toilet and then flush and everything goes away. What about people who don't have toilets? What do they do when they are sick? I realized I could not wait until morning to go get some Sprite and saltines, so I put a sweatshirt on over my nightie and went to CVS at 130. I am sure I was a very welcome sight in my pjs and slippers carrying my trashcan around with me (not kidding... I really brought my trashcan in with me.) The cashier was very sympathetic and after I apologized profusely and assured him that I really wasn't trying to make him sick, he told me how grateful he was that I had brought my trashcan because yesterday some little kid came in and threw up... I didn't hear the rest of the story because I shoved my fingers in my ears and said "DON'T TELL THROW UP STORIES NOW!!!" As I was driving back home I realized what a luxury it is to be able to drive to the store and immediately get what you want when you are sick. As I lay back down in bed, I kept thinking over and over again about how I didn't deserve for my life to be this easy. Sickness isn't life-threatening, it's merely an inconvenience. I repeatedly asked God to give me joy and humility - that I wouldn't use my "sickness" as an excuse to have people serve me, but to consider others better than myself. Later in the day I popped in the thermometer to discover that I am now running a low grade fever. I call my mom, we chat about it, she tells me the best option is to let my fever run its course so that it will kill the virus naturally, but I can take some advil if I get really uncomfortable or my fever climbs too high. What a luxury it is to have the option to take medicine. After 11 hours of sleep, I am totally fine. You would never know that 24 hours ago I was kneeling over the toilet throwing up everything I had ever eaten (slight exaggeration).
Honestly, I had never really considered how easy illness is here in the U.S.
My worst day would be a luxury to most of the world.
Just something to think about next time you kneel before a porcelain throne.
I don't remember the name of it, but I read a book when I was little that changed the way I thought about age. In the book she explained how in different moments you can feel different ages and so she would tell what was happening and then explain what age that made her. Ever since I read that book I will sit back and evaluate what actions my age make me. Enjoy:
I am in elementary school when I act like there is nothing that I possibly can't do. Of course I can do it and I will be awesome at it.
I am in junior high when I tell everyone about my crush, because I just can't contain my excitement. I do everything but write "I love ****" on my hand. (Not that there are the correct number of stars or anything).
I am 16 again when I just want to drive around just for the sake of driving or take the long way home and listen to some good, loud music.
I am high school again when I get obnoxiously hyper at night and just want to be crazy.
I am not sure exactly what age, but I am definitely a teenage girl when I sit down to watch Jonas L.A. It's just funny, ok?!
I am a freshman in college again when I stay up to do something pointless that will leave me exhausted the next day.
I am an adult when I start each day with a cup of coffee, because my brain literally won't start without it.
I am a wanna be wife when I look cute wearing my apron, just to have fun while cooking.
I am a wanna be grandma when I wear a cardigan and my hair in a bun and go to bed at 9:30.
I don't think I ever feel 20.
My sister can tell you. When it comes to band-aids I believe its best to just rip it off. None of that soak it in the water and pull it off slowly stuff. Just rip, bite your lip, and then breathe... its all over.
I feel like this is exactly what my spiritual life looks like lately. It seems like God is just ripping the band-aids off that are covering my pride in all of its many,many forms. Then I just sit, exposed. With ugly wounds that are evidence of the mistakes I have made. Everyone is painfully aware of my wounds, but no one can heal me. No one can help. God is the only one who can take the broken and bruised pieces and bind them back together.
It's beautiful, but very painful.
I have spent the past two weeks just biting my lip, waiting to breathe. The relief hasn't come. My wounds keep healing wrong. I keep trying to make it go faster and urge the healing on in my own power. My goodness, I wish that this is how it would work. So God has to rip the band-aid off again. He is patient with me. He is faithful to me. Despite my acting like a two year old and insisting on doing things my way. He is so good to me. He continues to rip my band-aids off. So that I will heal, like only He can heal me.
being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus
Right now, I am leading a small group and a covenant group in the christian sorority on campus, Sigma Phi Lambda. It is a tremendous blessing to have this opportunity to invest in my sisters in Christ and to get to see their lives and hearts on a regular basis. I love the intentionality of our time (although it is required). Anyhoo, I feel like I am a broken record because every time we meet together I insist on taking prayer requests. Now, I am definitely not the world's greatest pray-er. Probably not even in the top 5. or top 50. You get the idea. But I just love the way prayer requests 1) bond people 2) reveal what you care enough about that you want to tell others so they can join with you in lifting that thought up to our King.
In my covenant group I always ask each girl to share a praise and a prayer request, so we can have that constant reminder to rejoice in the Lord while also being faithful in prayer. I can't speak for anyone else... but I love it. It's a big hit in my life.
This is a very long drawn out way of saying that I am about to share with you the things that I am praising Jesus for and the things that He could definitely work on in me.
Many are asking,"Who can show us any good?" Let the light of your face shine upon us, O Lord. You have filled my heart with greater joy than when their grain and new wine abound.
God has revealed sin in me.
Now, normally this totally wouldn't be a praise until there was much moaning and crying and oh me how much do I stink at life... but this instantly brought me so much joy in the Lord! Dearie me, I did not even realize how much I was trapped in this mindset of having to work for approval, work for recognition, work to serve, work to be loved, work, work, workity work. Trust me, it was exhausting. And I am very easily exhausted. Realizing that my pride was keeping me from daily accepting Christ's finish work in my life has been so so freeing. Nothing I do has any effect on what he has done. What a relief! I can't be too bad, too sad, too fat, too anything. I will never be good enough. I will never be too bad. I will never not need his saving grace. In the back of my mind Satan always whispered this "A good Christian would... X, Y, and Z." Now I can just tell Satan to talk to the hand, because that lie ain't working on me no more. (Lord willing).
Give ear to my words, O Lord, consider my sighing. Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God, for to you I pray. In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation.
My brain is about to explode, and is also falling out of my head.
If these situations weren't so debilitating/time-consuming/not fun they would be funny. I have metioned in blog-land before about both my headache disorder and my scatterbrain-ness. Well both are quickly increasing in frequency and intensity. I had a headache Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday which is just three days too many. The pain is endurable if I have enough medication in my body, but what I really hate is how debilitating these headaches are. I hate that I have to stop functioning and basically ignore everyone and everything and run to my room to lie down. I hate that I have to take a number of pills each day for life to be bearable. I now have a fear of my liver just bursting after a round of advil and tylenol and allergy medicine and motion sick medicine. My liver is just going to explode, unless my brain does first.
On a much lighter note, my scatterbrained moments are occuring pretty frequently these days. I keep forgetting when I drive to campus that I will actually have to drive home from campus as well. My body just automatically walks to the bus stop and gets on the bus without a second thought... Until I am already on the bus and moving, in which case, I run to the front of the bus and plead with the bus driver to let me off, and then my request is promptly rejected. Other funny moments include my naptimes. I frequently have vivid dreams during my naps. Last week, I dreamed that I had slept a whole 24 hours and subsequently slept through my exam the next day. To which my reaction was to jump up and run in circles around the living room screaming "OH MY GOSH, OH MY GOSH, I MISSED MY TEST" over and over and over again. Reality hit me when I looked down and realized that I had worn that outfit to school that day and so there was no way that I could have missed my test because it was still the same day. Pretty frightening.
Well today, I had an epiphany.
I feel like this makes it a little more normal. I love black people and want to be their baby mamas because... I had a black babysitter growing up. I don't know how I never put two and two together before. From the first moment I met Cardia - I walked straight up to her and rubbed her legs and asked her if she was wearing panty hose - I have loved black people. She is the one who told me that I was ashy and needed lotion, and so I think that I have a permanent right to use the word ashy for myself. I have a very vivid memory of getting stung by a wasp and her FREAKING out. I don't even think I was crying but she was in superdrive pulling out the alcohol and calling my mom to make sure that I would live. So funny.
I am debating whether this connection to a black person gives me the right to walk up to a black person and holla at them or start getting on with my ghetto self. I probably won't because I don't want to die. Not because I think they would kill me, but because I think I would die of embarrassment.
Now that I have had this beautiful epiphany, I am determined to make some black friends and become a little more in touch with my heritage. And also I just need to know because when I have me some little chocolate children, I don't want them to be growing up like total cracker babies.
This is my last night to be a teenager. I will never ever be a teen again. That means I no longer have an excuse to be dramatic or rebellious. Darn. At least I got it all out then...
People in their 20s have to start moving forward with their lives... like getting married and making babies. Talk about pressure! I feel like I am just now learning how to be a college kid (minus the staying up late, drinking, promiscuous activity, wild partying, etc.)
In two hours, I will officially have lived two decades. I experienced the 90s and the millinium. Bring it on 2011!
It doesn't really matter that I am turning 20 though, because people will still ask me if I am 12. And yes I might be thankful about that one day when I am older, but I am not thankful for it right now.
It's official. I am an every morning coffee drinker.
Today, while cooking, I decided that I need to use the word sassafrass more often. I have no idea what it actually means, but I am choosing to use it as a word to express my liking of something.
My life is pretty bloggy. By that I mean, I read blogs (stalk would be more accurate, seeing how its mostly people I don't know) and it has caused me to start thinking in blog format. I have mentally blogged the following a thousand and one times but could not tell everyone yet. Here goes:
My summer started off pretty uneventfully, just full of the things listed in my last post. However, it became notably more eventful when my second EEG came back abnormal and I was diagnosed with epilepsy. Just remembering that makes my heart beat faster. I started on some meds and then pretty much fell asleep for the next couple of weeks. My medicine made me so tired that I would sometimes take two or three naps a day and I was still sleeping a good eight or nine hours a night. Flashback to having mono. Still the medicine was NOT helping. My headaches were getting worse and then I saw some of the medicine's side effects when I spent a good hour and a half crying for no stinkin reason and when I suddenly forgot how to spell (I was in the spelling bee every year in elementary school - I know how to spell) and when I forgot how to talk (every thought pretty much ended with the word thing because I couldnt remember what anything was called). So all in all, NOT WORKING. My mom decided to take me to an epilepsy specialist to find out some more info and to figure out how I could better adapt before going back to school. Hedecides to put me in the hospital for a week so that I can be constantly monitored in order to determine what symptoms are indicators that I am having a seizure in my brain. It was fun let me tell you. I feel bad for every person that talked and/or looked at me during that time because I was a big whiny mess. Poor nurses. The end of the week comes and I don't have epilepsy anymore. Now I have a headache disorder exacerbated by stress. I don't know about the stress. I have argued with my mom and with my doctors until I am blue in the face because I absolutely do not believe I am stressed. But I don't have a masters or Phd, so I lose. So who knows what will happen from here... I am sure I will laugh about it one day. I will be talking to my sister and say,"Hey, remember that summer where I had epilepsy and you had to drive me around everywhere?" Her response will probably be either to laugh, glare at me balefully, or burst into tears (because she does that - love you Catherine!).
So now that mess is a little less resolved, but seemingly a little less chronic and less severe.
I just started school yesterday. I always get excited for the first day of school, I don't know why - it's a sickness. Maybe with the exception of the year before I started high school when I cried because I was so scared. This year was accompanied by none of that excitement. Now that I have two days under my belt I am really excited about my classes and schedule. Every year since I started college on the first days of class I always imagine how well I am going to do in each of my classes. Usually in my daydreams I get straight 100s on every exam and my professors praise my genius and my knack for whichever subject. So far, it hasnt happened. But my daydreams still continue and will until they are crushed by my exam grades.
I was planning on writing more, but I think its Jesus time now.
I don't even know where to begin...
Ok, let's go back a couple of weeks. I am now going and hopefully soon joining New Life. Everyone there is simply amazing and I already feel such encouragement through this community. The bad part: Everyone is wonderful. Which translated means: I probably am not wonderful, Godly, or knowledgable enough. Which gives you a glimpse into my heart.
There are some very ugly and me-centered things in my heart. I want to be great. I want to be told I am great. I want validation from people. None of those things line up with scripture. Not one.
God is showing me just what he has to do with me. Major surgery. Scooping away my desires and filling me with His instead. Picture a canteloupe. Or pumpkin. Those things are so gross and slimy on the inside.
It will be a life long battle for me. Good thing he is so faithful.
The main thing I have realized through all of this: my sin comes from somewhere. Every single sinful thought I have grows from a very dark root called: not trusting God, not loving God, not enjoying God, not believing God, etc.
Sometimes it makes me incredibly discouraged. I am so stinking filthy what will God ever do with this nasty heart of mine. Other times, I find joy in the fact that God knows all of my thoughts and still loves me perfectly because of Jesus.
Go look up Romans 5:20. I am clinging to Paul's words.
Books that God has used to teach me about this subject: Respectable Sins by Jerry Bridges, When I Don't Desire God by John Piper.
I have tamed the beast. And by tamed I mean endured. And by endured I mean I survived.
Highlights of my day:
I didn't get lost on the way there. I did cry though, but it was the good kind. Where my tears fall down as I realize God is once again healing the brokenness in my soul (which I will explain later... maybe).
I am convinced that part of the test is figuring out which building the LSAT will be administered in. I asked a longhorn for help... only because I didn't see the applique cow head on his shirt before I got his attention. He didn't know so I felt a little justified.
I peed five times in the 30 minutes I had before starting the test.
Once in the testing room, I got a good 20 minutes to people watch the future lawyers. Several people were putting in eye drops and stretching. Some were just staring blankly. Others were discussing horror stories of past LSATs.
And then after a mere 2hr 55min test and a 35 min essay, I was done. I practically ran back to my car, I was so desperate to be as far away from that experience as possible.
And that's it. Until I get my score.
I woke up this morning with my heart beating really fast. One of those days where you immediately realize exactly what is going to happen today. Like Christmas. I am about to leave for Prairie View A&M University to take my LSAT. I really don't want to be anxious. But I would be lying if I said I wasn't. And my heart is beating way too fast for anyone to believe that I am perfectly calm.
I don't even think that I will be using this score, in light of all that God has shown me about family and my role as a biblical woman.
Still my heart beats fast. I think it's because I don't know what this day means.
Yesterday was my last day. I am not terribly sad about leaving SteinMart. Although I will miss the money. And the smell of the chinese buffet next door - weird but true.
Working in retail gives you a lot of interesting moments. Like the time when a lady walked out in a completely see through shirt without the appropriate undergarments to get the attention of a sales associate. She attracted some other attention as well. You get a lot of boring moments as well, because there are only so many times you can dust the shelves in a day. Stressful moments don't happen that often, but when they do they are quite unforgettable. Like the time I accidentally stole $34.00 dollars from a lady. Thinking about it still makes me want to cry. My coworkers were quite an interesting collection of people, but always kind and all too willing to share their opinion of the days events. Definitely, one of my favorite moments would have to be me begging one of my managers to pull the splinter out of my foot. She was very sympathetic, but not helpful.
All in all, a successful six weeks.
For pretty much as long as I remember, I have been trying to figure out the way my brain works. I will be the first one to admit that my brain is just plain crazy. When guys always complain that they don't understand girls, I always think about how weird my brain is and then feel bad that if all girls brains are like mine then there really is no hope for guys. But it's becoming a little clearer:
1) I am never just thinking in present time. From minute to minute I am in this time warp, thinking about the present, but remembering the past, and imagining the future, all at the same time.
2) BUT when I think about the future, I never see the big picture. I pretty much just see a huge question mark for anything pertaining to actually important future concerns. But if you want to know what my future imaginary house looks like I can totally tell you.
3) I am never thinking about just one thing. If we are having a conversation, just know that I sincerely am listening to you, but I am also thinking about other things too. (If I ever ask you to repeat something, it might be because my brain was talking louder than you were at the moment.) This is how I end up laughing at wildly inappropriate moments. Like in 8th grade when we were having a serious discussion about suicide... Mrs. Braxton stopped the class to ask me what I thought was funny and then made me explain how my brain went from suicide to whatever was making me laugh. It was like an 11 step process to make that jump.
4) I think really fast but I have THE HARDEST TIME putting my thoughts into words. You will know this if we have ever had a conversation. I think part of the problem is that I am also thinking about other things when I am talking so I get easily distracted.
5) I am generally pretty quiet when I meet new people or I am in new situations. I have to stop and mentally process. I have to read people. I have to figure out what kind of person they are and how to deal with the words they are saying. I really only become comfortable with people, when I know them well enough to read their expressions, and their tone, and their word choice, and their actions. It's a pretty slow process.
6) Once I do figure someone out, the funniest thing is when something they do/say surprises me. I love that.
7) I surprise myself sometimes. I think the reason why I laugh at my jokes is because I say them before I have fully processed them, and so it surprises me how funny they are. (Usually, others don't agree.)
So that's my brain in a nutshell.
About two months ago, I heard a really great sermon about prayer. I was instantly convicted, because I have been extremely lazy in my prayer life. I was the kind of pray-er that would say their prayers while falling asleep, so not particularly effective. So the pastor gave this really great idea of a prayer calendar! You divide all your prayers by 7 and then pray for specific things every single day of the week! This was really great because part of my problem was that I just had a lot to pray for and so praying just seemed like an overwhelming task. So now I have my handy dandy prayer calendar and I only have to pray for 8 things every day, instead of 56. Which means that I can pray more thoroughly for everything as well. Another huge benefit is that I am so motivated to pray daily because I don't want to miss a day and not pray for something! Also, because you keep cycling back through each week it is teaching me to be faithful and consistent in prayer. Wow it is so great!
Prayer calendars = highly recommended.
First of all let me say that it is horrifying me to see parents screaming at their children, especially in public. I know there is a need for discipline, but I don't believe that is the way to do it...
While working today I saw the most precious little black boy you have ever seen in your entire life being screamed at for crying. You know one of those situations where the child is upset and so the parent just keeps yelling for them to stop crying which keeps upsetting the child... its a heartbreaking cycle to watch. Which led me to spend the next 20 minutes or so contemplating the best way to kidnap him.
If I ever see that mom again, she better keep a very close eye on her little boy.
I really don't like making decisions.
Honestly, I would rather just be told what to do.
But I think there is a reason why most girls are indecisive: because we were created to be helpers not leaders.
I only recently realized God's beautiful picture for marriage relationships includes a woman's submission.
I find that to be such a relief.
Seriously how smart is God that he would create us to be helpers and then tell us how to do it?
Now, because I am unmarried, I have no such agenda for my life. So I have to decide whether to go to law school, and be a lawyer, on my own (with prayer, and wise council from lawyers, church leaders, friends, and the Bible). This is so hard for me. I have two completely different desires within me: 1) Be an adoption lawyer and have the potential/power to defend the orphan and the widow or 2) Be a mom and adopt as many children as we (my possible future husband and I) can afford and parent in a Godly way. I don't know if they go together. Not because they don't have similar goals, but simply the amount of time commitment that is needed in both.
A lot of prayer is going into this decision. All I know to do now is to step out in faith while still prayerfully taking my desires to God and continually asking him to change my desires into His own.
I can trust Him. He is faithful. I know that He has given me his spirit and so I am doing my best to trust that He will show me how to respond.
This is the first day in two weeks that my days have not been planned out from the minute I wake up until the thirty minutes before I go to bed. I don't know what to do with all this free time! I keep walking to my room to read Revolution in World Missions, and then back out to the living room so I can study, and then to the kitchen so I can clean something. Nothing productive is getting done!
So yesterday, was one of those days that will forever be a spiritual landmarker for me: The day I learned about the poor. Not that I didn't know they existed before, because duh I have eyes. But I never knew how absolutely essential caring for the poor is. I never stopped to think about why God talks about the poor so much or why he promises them blessings to come. I have always been content to sit here and give whatever is easy for me to give. Why? Because I care more about myself than others. I choose my mouth to be fed first.
Listen to: The Gospel Demands Radical Giving
I pray that I will never go back to the way I thought before yesterday. I pray that I will never spend money without considering how it can be better used to serve God's kingdom. I pray that my hurt would not stop hurting for those who are needy. I pray that I would never be satisfied by giving; that I would always want to give more. I pray that you would listen and be moved too.
*Disclaimer: Do not listen to this podcast while you are driving. I am not a crier, and I ended up sobbing while driving along the highway at 75 mph. Not exactly the safest thing. But so worth it.
There will always be poor people in the land. Therefore I command you to be openhanded toward your brothers and toward the poor and needy in your land.
Here is the reason why (if I ever become a mom) I believe I will be a mom to about 15 children:
Today, I set out to cook a pasta recipe. It said six servings. I said awesome, now I don't have to cook for the rest of the week, I can just eat some healthy, tasty leftovers. So I made the recipes with some minor improvements (adding all of my favorite vegetables and adding turkey pepperoni and some chicken -to keep me from getting all anemic on everything)), little did I know that I was cooking enough for an army. I ate about 1/20th of my concoction and was completely and totally full.
Yesterday, I decided to make banana pudding. Well I made it and it filled up the largest tupperware container we have. I think I have eaten less than 1/6th of it and I have already had two servings!
I am ridiculous. I accidentally cook way more than I need all the time. And that is why I am going to be the mother 0f a billion children.
The reason why I am not fit to be the mother of any children:
I still regularly have nightmares. Ones that scare me so badly that I have to get up and turn on every light and check every nook and cranny for monsters or people wanting to kill me.
I also believe that if any part of my body is sticking out from under the covers then the bad people will know I am there and come kill me.
What kind of mother will I be? My kids will be crying but I will be to scared to get out of bed to come check on them. Or they will come and tell me about their nightmare and I will start crying because it scared me.
These last few days I have been going absolutely crazy. I want to be obedient God, but it's really hard when I don't know where he is calling me! Since I fell in love with my law classes this school year, I just thought "Absolutely, God wants me to be an adoption lawyer!" And I have these great verses like James 1:27, Micah 6:8, and Psalm 99:4 (and others that I just haven't read yet I'm sure) that speak of God's heart for justice and his desire that we help orphans and so it just seems to fit. But law school is stinking expensive. How do I know that I need to spend that money on law school when it could arguably be put to better uses. There are starving children for crying out loud!
Second thing. I realized that I have no idea how to do schoolwork for God's glory. For me it's either spend my time studying hard so that I can get an A or spend all my time neglecting schoolwork because I am just hungry for God. I know there is supposed to be a balance, I just have no idea how to find it! And extreme test week is coming in a week, so I have a need to figure it out very quickly.
Third thing. I have been listening to the Radical series. Oh my gosh, how messed up has my "christianity" been? Why did I ever decide that the crazy things Jesus said weren't to be taken literally? Talk about deception! I was listening today and just inwardly grieving that I am not hated. I have not taken huge risks for Jesus. I would not forsake it all for Jesus. I cannot turn my back on family for Jesus. I don't know how to love him so much that anything else I love looks like hate in comparison. I don't want life to be hard. I have fallen victim to the prosperity gospel and started believing that when you do things right, your life will just be great. Smiles and dancing all the time. But that is not at all what Jesus said or lived! Living should be all about the eternal reward. My life is not even for myself anyway! Who am I to think that I deserve any kind of blessing of comfort? What is wrong with me that I struggle(d) with an eating disorder, when there are people who don't have food to eat?
When anxiety was great within me,
your consolation brought joy to me soul.
This is an unprecedented second blog post in the same day.
Lately, everytime I hear of the way God is moving in people's lives I just want to break down and weep. I don't know why. Maybe God is trying to change my personality into a more feminine one. It would be nice to not feel like a robot. But I digress; I am kind of concerned that my inability to cry stems from some subconscious pride. Like I don't want to cry because I am not willing to be broken. I sincerely hope that is not the case. I want to be so fragile in His hands.
So a lot of what I have been thinking about lately, is what kind of person/friend/neighbor (and God-willing wife/mother) I want to become. The answer is simple: I want to be the awesomest one ever. Please excuse my humility. But really, here are some characteristics that I realized are so important to me:
Hospitality- I want to be able to share my home with anyone and everyone. If you have ever been my Sunday School teacher then I have invaded your house unannounced from time to time to talk or play games (one of my favorite memories ever is of playing Loaded Questions with the Olivers one night) or maybe even steal your food. I love that and I am so thankful for that time. I want to be the person that greets everyone who enters my house with a hug, because I want them to know how sincerely glad I am to be spending time and sharing my home with them.
Healthy - I wholeheartedly wish that my parents had made an effort to teach me to eat well from an early age. Maybe then I wouldn't have such a pension for sweet tea or really, sweet anything. I am just lucky that I didn't end up to be a whale. I really love to cook so if I have a family they will be taught to eat and love my healthy cooking from a early age. (I totally plan on being the mom that sends their whole family (husband included) with homemade lunches including an embarrassing note declaring my love for them.)
Holy - This is all God's doing, but for my part I do not want to do anything that detracts from his purification of the scum that I am. Which means, maybe not watching all of the TV shows or movies that I would want to watch, because I know that hearing the f-bomb 50 thousand times makes me start thinking the f-bomb in my head and God forbid I actually say that word and then inevitably the children (that I may or may not have) will repeat it often and loudly, especially in church. I want to live in a way that reflects my belief that God is absolutely the best choice and He is the only thing that is good.
Happy (Joyful) - So here is my confession: I am prone to negativity. It doesn't happen often, but when it does... So I want to make the choice to not dwell on the negative (even if it's totally valid). Not everyone needs to or wants to know what I am going through. Better yet, I want to surround myself with reminders of the positive: all the wonderful things that God has done for us. And I shouldn't even need that, because he died on the cross for me. Seriously, what more can I ask for?
So I have to write an essay on a public policy issue, and I chose hunger because it describes me like 75% of the time. What I found shocked me. Every five seconds a child dies from hunger. I have been sitting here for the last hour regretting the 2 1/2 brownies I ingested. In the last hour 667 children have died. I am so sad. I am halfway debating getting a part time job so that I could hopefully earn enough money to support a Compassion child. Then maybe only 15,999 children would die that day.
in an effort to save money i decided to buy some of my school books off of amazon.com, but this was negated when i forgot and went to the store and bought the EXACT SAME BOOK at the bookstore. as soon as i realized this, i immediately began searching for my receipt. i had a vivid memory of sitting on my couch, looking at the receipt and thinking i need to put this in a safe place. so i looked in every safe place imaginable, from my wallet to every single trashcan and i could not find it. after an hour of searching, i was wondering if i started crying in the bookstore if they would take pity on me. just as i was about to drive to the bookstore, i look down and on the floor of my car was the receipt i was looking for the entire time.
The weirdest part is I still had that memory of sitting on my couch and looking at the receipt.
It's kind of scary to realize that your thoughts lie to you. And as much as I try to protest, I really can't trust myself. I can't trust myself to distinguish right from wrong or to distinguish reality from illusions.
1 Corinthians 1: 25
the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength.
So I didn't start thinking far enough in advance this year to make new years resolutions actually on new years, but I am sure it will still count.
I want to be more consistent in every area of my life.
I want to consistently read and learn the Bible,
I want to finally establish a good sleeping schedule,
I want to exercise and eat healthy not to lose weight, but to take care of my temple and hopefully avoid anymore costly trips to the emergency room,
I want to be a good steward of my money and learn to be content with what I have.
I want to get more involved both at church and on campus.
I want to commit to a craft, too many things in my life are half-finished.
I want to be able to take risks because more often than not I chicken out on applying for things I want because I don't believe I will get it.
I want to develop better relationships with my professors, I have managed to avoid being yelled at thus far so I bet it probably won't happen.
I want to develop a wider variety of friends, I don't want to be narrow minded or limited with my friendships
My psychology professor would say that none of these are good resolutions because they can't be measured, but I did it that way intentionally. I don't want my resolutions to be a rulebook or a recipe for a better me. I just want to be mindful of things that are important to me.