I don't even know where to begin...
Ok, let's go back a couple of weeks. I am now going and hopefully soon joining New Life. Everyone there is simply amazing and I already feel such encouragement through this community. The bad part: Everyone is wonderful. Which translated means: I probably am not wonderful, Godly, or knowledgable enough. Which gives you a glimpse into my heart.
There are some very ugly and me-centered things in my heart. I want to be great. I want to be told I am great. I want validation from people. None of those things line up with scripture. Not one.
God is showing me just what he has to do with me. Major surgery. Scooping away my desires and filling me with His instead. Picture a canteloupe. Or pumpkin. Those things are so gross and slimy on the inside.
It will be a life long battle for me. Good thing he is so faithful.
The main thing I have realized through all of this: my sin comes from somewhere. Every single sinful thought I have grows from a very dark root called: not trusting God, not loving God, not enjoying God, not believing God, etc.
Sometimes it makes me incredibly discouraged. I am so stinking filthy what will God ever do with this nasty heart of mine. Other times, I find joy in the fact that God knows all of my thoughts and still loves me perfectly because of Jesus.
Go look up Romans 5:20. I am clinging to Paul's words.
Books that God has used to teach me about this subject: Respectable Sins by Jerry Bridges, When I Don't Desire God by John Piper.
I have tamed the beast. And by tamed I mean endured. And by endured I mean I survived.
Highlights of my day:
I didn't get lost on the way there. I did cry though, but it was the good kind. Where my tears fall down as I realize God is once again healing the brokenness in my soul (which I will explain later... maybe).
I am convinced that part of the test is figuring out which building the LSAT will be administered in. I asked a longhorn for help... only because I didn't see the applique cow head on his shirt before I got his attention. He didn't know so I felt a little justified.
I peed five times in the 30 minutes I had before starting the test.
Once in the testing room, I got a good 20 minutes to people watch the future lawyers. Several people were putting in eye drops and stretching. Some were just staring blankly. Others were discussing horror stories of past LSATs.
And then after a mere 2hr 55min test and a 35 min essay, I was done. I practically ran back to my car, I was so desperate to be as far away from that experience as possible.
And that's it. Until I get my score.
I woke up this morning with my heart beating really fast. One of those days where you immediately realize exactly what is going to happen today. Like Christmas. I am about to leave for Prairie View A&M University to take my LSAT. I really don't want to be anxious. But I would be lying if I said I wasn't. And my heart is beating way too fast for anyone to believe that I am perfectly calm.
I don't even think that I will be using this score, in light of all that God has shown me about family and my role as a biblical woman.
Still my heart beats fast. I think it's because I don't know what this day means.
Yesterday was my last day. I am not terribly sad about leaving SteinMart. Although I will miss the money. And the smell of the chinese buffet next door - weird but true.
Working in retail gives you a lot of interesting moments. Like the time when a lady walked out in a completely see through shirt without the appropriate undergarments to get the attention of a sales associate. She attracted some other attention as well. You get a lot of boring moments as well, because there are only so many times you can dust the shelves in a day. Stressful moments don't happen that often, but when they do they are quite unforgettable. Like the time I accidentally stole $34.00 dollars from a lady. Thinking about it still makes me want to cry. My coworkers were quite an interesting collection of people, but always kind and all too willing to share their opinion of the days events. Definitely, one of my favorite moments would have to be me begging one of my managers to pull the splinter out of my foot. She was very sympathetic, but not helpful.
All in all, a successful six weeks.