age is just a number.

I don't remember the name of it, but I read a book when I was little that changed the way I thought about age. In the book she explained how in different moments you can feel different ages and so she would tell what was happening and then explain what age that made her. Ever since I read that book I will sit back and evaluate what actions my age make me. Enjoy:

I am in elementary school when I act like there is nothing that I possibly can't do. Of course I can do it and I will be awesome at it.

I am in junior high when I tell everyone about my crush, because I just can't contain my excitement. I do everything but write "I love ****" on my hand. (Not that there are the correct number of stars or anything).

I am 16 again when I just want to drive around just for the sake of driving or take the long way home and listen to some good, loud music.

I am high school again when I get obnoxiously hyper at night and just want to be crazy.

I am not sure exactly what age, but I am definitely a teenage girl when I sit down to watch Jonas L.A. It's just funny, ok?!

I am a freshman in college again when I stay up to do something pointless that will leave me exhausted the next day.

I am an adult when I start each day with a cup of coffee, because my brain literally won't start without it.

I am a wanna be wife when I look cute wearing my apron, just to have fun while cooking.

I am a wanna be grandma when I wear a cardigan and my hair in a bun and go to bed at 9:30.

I don't think I ever feel 20.

ripping off a band-aid

My sister can tell you. When it comes to band-aids I believe its best to just rip it off. None of that soak it in the water and pull it off slowly stuff. Just rip, bite your lip, and then breathe... its all over.

I feel like this is exactly what my spiritual life looks like lately. It seems like God is just ripping the band-aids off that are covering my pride in all of its many,many forms. Then I just sit, exposed. With ugly wounds that are evidence of the mistakes I have made. Everyone is painfully aware of my wounds, but no one can heal me. No one can help. God is the only one who can take the broken and bruised pieces and bind them back together.

It's beautiful, but very painful.

I have spent the past two weeks just biting my lip, waiting to breathe. The relief hasn't come. My wounds keep healing wrong. I keep trying to make it go faster and urge the healing on in my own power. My goodness, I wish that this is how it would work. So God has to rip the band-aid off again. He is patient with me. He is faithful to me. Despite my acting like a two year old and insisting on doing things my way. He is so good to me. He continues to rip my band-aids off. So that I will heal, like only He can heal me.

Phillipians 1:6
being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus

Praise & Prayer Requests

Right now, I am leading a small group and a covenant group in the christian sorority on campus, Sigma Phi Lambda. It is a tremendous blessing to have this opportunity to invest in my sisters in Christ and to get to see their lives and hearts on a regular basis. I love the intentionality of our time (although it is required). Anyhoo, I feel like I am a broken record because every time we meet together I insist on taking prayer requests. Now, I am definitely not the world's greatest pray-er. Probably not even in the top 5. or top 50. You get the idea. But I just love the way prayer requests 1) bond people 2) reveal what you care enough about that you want to tell others so they can join with you in lifting that thought up to our King.

Ummm... beauty-full.

In my covenant group I always ask each girl to share a praise and a prayer request, so we can have that constant reminder to rejoice in the Lord while also being faithful in prayer. I can't speak for anyone else... but I love it. It's a big hit in my life.

This is a very long drawn out way of saying that I am about to share with you the things that I am praising Jesus for and the things that He could definitely work on in me.

Psalms 4:6-7
Many are asking,"Who can show us any good?" Let the light of your face shine upon us, O Lord. You have filled my heart with greater joy than when their grain and new wine abound.

God has revealed sin in me.
Now, normally this totally wouldn't be a praise until there was much moaning and crying and oh me how much do I stink at life... but this instantly brought me so much joy in the Lord! Dearie me, I did not even realize how much I was trapped in this mindset of having to work for approval, work for recognition, work to serve, work to be loved, work, work, workity work. Trust me, it was exhausting. And I am very easily exhausted. Realizing that my pride was keeping me from daily accepting Christ's finish work in my life has been so so freeing. Nothing I do has any effect on what he has done. What a relief! I can't be too bad, too sad, too fat, too anything. I will never be good enough. I will never be too bad. I will never not need his saving grace. In the back of my mind Satan always whispered this "A good Christian would... X, Y, and Z." Now I can just tell Satan to talk to the hand, because that lie ain't working on me no more. (Lord willing).

Psalms 5:1-3
Give ear to my words, O Lord, consider my sighing. Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God, for to you I pray. In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation.

My brain is about to explode, and is also falling out of my head.
If these situations weren't so debilitating/time-consuming/not fun they would be funny. I have metioned in blog-land before about both my headache disorder and my scatterbrain-ness. Well both are quickly increasing in frequency and intensity. I had a headache Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday which is just three days too many. The pain is endurable if I have enough medication in my body, but what I really hate is how debilitating these headaches are. I hate that I have to stop functioning and basically ignore everyone and everything and run to my room to lie down. I hate that I have to take a number of pills each day for life to be bearable. I now have a fear of my liver just bursting after a round of advil and tylenol and allergy medicine and motion sick medicine. My liver is just going to explode, unless my brain does first.

On a much lighter note, my scatterbrained moments are occuring pretty frequently these days. I keep forgetting when I drive to campus that I will actually have to drive home from campus as well. My body just automatically walks to the bus stop and gets on the bus without a second thought... Until I am already on the bus and moving, in which case, I run to the front of the bus and plead with the bus driver to let me off, and then my request is promptly rejected. Other funny moments include my naptimes. I frequently have vivid dreams during my naps. Last week, I dreamed that I had slept a whole 24 hours and subsequently slept through my exam the next day. To which my reaction was to jump up and run in circles around the living room screaming "OH MY GOSH, OH MY GOSH, I MISSED MY TEST" over and over and over again. Reality hit me when I looked down and realized that I had worn that outfit to school that day and so there was no way that I could have missed my test because it was still the same day. Pretty frightening.