Because God is Love.

These last few days I have been going absolutely crazy. I want to be obedient God, but it's really hard when I don't know where he is calling me! Since I fell in love with my law classes this school year, I just thought "Absolutely, God wants me to be an adoption lawyer!" And I have these great verses like James 1:27, Micah 6:8, and Psalm 99:4 (and others that I just haven't read yet I'm sure) that speak of God's heart for justice and his desire that we help orphans and so it just seems to fit. But law school is stinking expensive. How do I know that I need to spend that money on law school when it could arguably be put to better uses. There are starving children for crying out loud!

Second thing. I realized that I have no idea how to do schoolwork for God's glory. For me it's either spend my time studying hard so that I can get an A or spend all my time neglecting schoolwork because I am just hungry for God. I know there is supposed to be a balance, I just have no idea how to find it! And extreme test week is coming in a week, so I have a need to figure it out very quickly.

Third thing. I have been listening to the Radical series. Oh my gosh, how messed up has my "christianity" been? Why did I ever decide that the crazy things Jesus said weren't to be taken literally? Talk about deception! I was listening today and just inwardly grieving that I am not hated. I have not taken huge risks for Jesus. I would not forsake it all for Jesus. I cannot turn my back on family for Jesus. I don't know how to love him so much that anything else I love looks like hate in comparison. I don't want life to be hard. I have fallen victim to the prosperity gospel and started believing that when you do things right, your life will just be great. Smiles and dancing all the time. But that is not at all what Jesus said or lived! Living should be all about the eternal reward. My life is not even for myself anyway! Who am I to think that I deserve any kind of blessing of comfort? What is wrong with me that I struggle(d) with an eating disorder, when there are people who don't have food to eat?

Sigh.

Psalm 94:19
When anxiety was great within me,
your consolation brought joy to me soul.

Posted in: on Wednesday, April 7, 2010 at at 3:38 PM